donderdag 30 oktober 2014


It is possible to loose yourself many times in life. 
Not for all people, I guess. 
I know some people that never will get lost in expectations, 
demands or determination to be the best version of themselves. 
Some people will never get crippled by the unending demands to deliver nothing less than perfection. 
Some people will never experience the battle between your own needs 
and whatever it is that they think is more important. 
Some will never choose repeatedly against their own needs.  

Those people are blessed.
They will not get stuck or find themselves trying to operate with a dead battery.

I do.
I find myself there over and over and over again.

Sometimes I think that the battle against perfectionism is a much harder one than the battle against depression. 
I am fairly certain that this is the thing that fuels my depression and triggers the heavy loaded episodes. 
Days filled with thoughts of self doubt and failure.

I keep climbing out of the shades and I keep continuing my walk towards the sunlight.
Sometimes it is but a step to be back in the light.
Other days the climb is a hard one and asks of me to muster all the skills and strength that I can find.

There are those that will never understand this.

Those people will see my tripping and falling as a sign of a weak character.
They will try to offer me tough love and make sure that I am aware of their thoughts about me.
Little do they know that every time they express their opinion, 
they kick me a little deeper or throw me back over the cliff. 

Back in the cliff of darkness, where I try to sort the lies from the truth.

Is it me?
Is it lack of strength that got me here?
Am I weak?
Do I lack faith in God?
Will I get past this, if I would just make a choice?

As I nurse my wounds and prepare myself for the climb,
I will make the only decision that matters:

I will not be condemned by the number of times I slip and fall.

And no matter how much time it takes me,
I will never settle for a life in the shades.
I will always get back up again.

(Note: I am fine. This is something I recently went through.)

Apples and Roses