donderdag 9 januari 2014

Fallen again

I have been absent from this little spot on the internet for far too long.
It's hard to explain what kept me away.
It is not that I have slipped back into such a deep depression that I couldn't
 attend to my blog.

Perhaps it is life that got in the way.
Stripped from the fog of depression, 
that had accompanied me for such a long time,
 I could see just all that my family needed from me.
And I wanted to be there for them. All of me.

Especially after being disabled for months.
First, because of my broken shoulder,
 then because of the whole gallbladder episode
that followed right after being able to use my right arm again.

 I dived head first into life, the minute I felt up and running again.
More hours at work, cooking, cleaning and picking up all that I felt obligated to do. 
Without a break, and without consideration for myself.

And so, it was that I found myself trapped in the same situation again.

Being a slave to perfectionism.

I have been down this road so many times, that it surprises me how easy it went.
What surprises me most, is that again, I mistook perfectionism for being my friend.

 It is never a good idea to take advice from someone who hasn't got your best interest at heart.  

But I did.
 I did listen to the 'Just do a little more's, stay up a little later's and the
Don't pay attention to your body's.'

Until finally all I did, was beat myself up and feeling inadequate, 
and wish for days with time to myself and the things I love.

And as I looked up from my self dug exhausted Mommy hole, it finally hit me, again: 

"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it." -Lena Horne
(source: Pinterest.)

I have fallen again.

There is no use beating myself up about it.
Because there is one thing I have come to know about myself,

I may fall a thousand times.

But I always, always get back up again.